Walking through Concordia University's art building (full disclosure, I'm a student there), I noticed a poster for a photography project that needed male actors to cry. I scratched my head at this, wondering about the potential outcome of the project. Is there a need behind these images? Unfortunately for me, my e-mail to the artist went unresponded.
Looking back to times when I attended funerals, I always felt a certain unease around the one or two crying men. I couldn't explain the feeling then, but it almost seemed wrong to see and be around these grown men crying in public. After all, whenever I cried, it was in private. If I did happen to cry around others, I was usually told to be a man. But now that I think of it, I was uncomfortable because I was (and still am) just unused to seeing other men in instances of vulnerability. Their tears are foreign to me though I can certainly understand and empathize their pain.
A recent death in my extended family inspired me to think about this idea more. At ten years old, this was the first instance of death for my nephew. He didn't take the initial news too well, taking a day off school to mourn. Needless to say, my nephew cried quite a bit. Speaking to my sister, we both knew that he would take it hard, as he is a "sensitive boy". I spoke with my brother about my nephew's tears, and he agreed with my sister. My nephew's action proved to others that he is soft or sensitive.
Some advice for him was that "big boys don't cry" and to "be a man". Others thought it best not to speak about it in fear of embarrassing the poor child. But I am concerned about this lack of visibility and even discourse of crying. Why is it seen as a weakness to mourn? It does go against the stoic male representation that we see in the movies. And even then, it is always a chillingly dramatic scene when we actually see a character cry (either because it is seen as an emotional climax for the strong character or out of sheer embarrassment). So this artist may have been up to some good. The act of having these men cry can shock us into acknowledging our own emotional suppression.
What seems troubling to me is the double standard that we have. Crying is likened to an effeminate act, one that is counter to strength and masculine identity. Words like "soft" and "sensitive" are used to describe those who are able to freely show their vulnerability. In essence, we're used to seeing our women cry but not our men. And it is only the sissy men who do cry. What's worse is that these ideals are being thrust onto children as well.
It unfortunately took a death for me to even acknowledge my own insecurities with the subject of crying. Perhaps now, after musing over my own thoughts, I will be better equipped to deal with these instances.
But this video is somewhat disturbing to me. David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine says that crying is a good thing. But, in essence, also says that to maintain the proper amount of masculinity means to only cry at appropriate times. He also mentions that to save testosterone (like to save face, but directly implying that this is linked to masculinity) one should keep the crying to a minimum. After all, women still want a strong man.
Even with a more widespread acceptance and visibility of male tears, we still have a constructed vision on what the acceptable amount of crying is.
How do you react when you see images of men crying? Do you think they're necessary? How does Zinczenko's comparison to crying as a sort of drainage of testosterone affect alternative masculine attitudes?
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Robert Vitulano is a Montreal-based photographer and critical scholar attempting to undermine acceptable norms. His latest curatorial effort, You're Too Close: Body Politics, Spatial Relations, opens March 10th.
When my father cries, he walks away, at least 20 feet. He lets himself cry, but has to be away from others. He's 64, from Cuba.
When my older brother cries, he holds it inside, for as long as he can, his eyes get all red, and his voice gets all chokey, but he tries his best, to hold it in. He's a cop.
My oldest brother, i've never seen cry.
I cry, whenever something hurts. I was always considered the "sensitive" one, and i've had a few gfs say i was "too sensitive". I've always been passionate about everything i do, and i always feel my feelings very intensely. But there's always a certain amount of shame or stigma attached, that can't ever be relieved.
I dunno, if this has to do with masculinity, but i found that the best way for me to keep from feeling so bad, is to not let myself cry. The emotion goes away. So, if after years, of men not letting themselves cry, do we become emotionally stunted?
I took a look at some of Sam Taylor-Woods images and watched the video with David Zinczenko. Initially, the photo series sounded quite interesting but when I discovered that it was made up of celebrities and actors, I felt that it had lost credential. I understand how, maybe for some, seeing celebrities act out vulnerability helps establish the notion that even famous men cry; it might encourage the average, non-famous man to relate to something he sees in the media. I, however, would have enjoyed the series much more if it included candid moments and real emotions, or simply non A-list actors.
As for the opinions of David Zinczenko and Judith (Sills?), I was pretty disappointed. Obviously, the two contradict themselves in their attempts to layout the do's and don't's of manhood. It's as though they're masquerading as progressive thinkers with uber-traditional and repressive agendas at heart. Telling the male population that crying to get attention from a lover is "sexy" still sends the message that it is not really an appropriate thing to do when it comes from somewhere deep within. Instead, crying is regarded as a tactic, or even novelty. David and Judith may as well have said nothing at all and we would still know where they stand on the issue.
I probably should have specified that Sam Taylor Woods was not the same photographer that I was talking about that was searching for models at my school. Sorry about the confusion.
As a photographer, it does not bother me that the men represented in the images are known actors. Or that these moments are staged. I feel it too simplistic (not saying you are making that claim, but I have heard buzz around these photos before) to ignore these images based on the staged qualities. Staged or not, the audience witnesses the visual impact of the representations.
Also, candid shots can sometimes have an air of exploitation, especially if the subject matter is as controversial as crying men. Unfortunately, the discourse around crying is still one of emasculation... But I do agree that it would be quite interesting to see, none the less.
Whenever crying is a topic of conversation people get their guard up, and sometimes laugh (as we've seen in the video above), not because it's funny, but because they're uncomfortable. People aren't used to talking about 'crying in public', so actually 'crying' must be a milestone for many people. When is it ok to cry? Does it matter? If something has a strong enough pull on your emotions to evoke tears, is that not enough reason to let it be? We are all unique individuals with different experiences, so what makes me cry possibly won't make you cry, and vice versa. The reason behind the tears is not of importance, but rather the fact that tears are being shed. As men in this world we need to acknowledge our emotion, and accept it as part of who we are. Allowing society to declare when it's ok is only minimizing the human inside us, restricting the knowledge of self we deserve, and neglecting the fact that good things do come from tears…a breath of fresh air.
robert, love the post - i find the 'crying' topic really brings out people's base reactions over masculinity.
and the tv clip you gave us - yuk. that's why i don't watch tv. judith sills, clinical psychologist -- what the heck is she talking about? is it really that hard to talk about men crying without turning into a 'what's hot or not' or 'crying as a tool of manipulation' blurtfest? not a good promo for Men's Health magazine either.
Some say that a strong man wont cry. I think the opposite is true: a strong man can, and will. Crying is an expression of deep emotion. Sometimes I have to be strong to allow these emotions to show. If I was a weaker person, I would hide them. I say: flex those tear ducts! Process!
a great blog Robert!
your blog goes to heart of the larger issue of how men have been socialized when it comes to expressing their emotions (or, more often than not, not expressing them). There's some great literature out there on this topic by authors such as Michael Gurian and William S. Pollack.
A lot of the research points to the 'macho male' prototype that society promotes. Boys grow up with the understanding that men are expected to be, among other things, emotionally resilient and 'tough'.
another point on this issue is that men (as a generalization) express themselves differently than women do, and we often don't account or allow for this within our social forums. Often I think a man's difference in expressing his feelings is mistaken for detachment, lack of feeling, or being non-communicative etc.
Your article reminded me of a top ten list I saw a while back that listed the 10 things that its okay for guys to cry at. The list is an interesting way to look at what we think guys should and shouldn't feel emotional about. Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/6fuosj
I hadnt considered public vs. private crying. I wonder when the imaginary line is drawn for acceptable amounts of public crying, so as to not upset the stoic male stereotype. Excessive weeping? Crying frequently? Drooling? What is 'too much'? I don't personally believe in this line, but its interesting to see how its constructed.
I had an extended relative pass away recently. My friend was there when I found out and it wasn't until my friend said "It's ok to let go" that I started weeping.
I am excited by your inquiry and would love to see and hear more discussion around men expressing a wider range of emotions, crying included. I hope that your nephew was not only able to be present emotionally at the funeral, but also witness other men and women alike, be present as well. As for the video clip...who chose this woman to represent women? I don't feel represented at all...but further, why is a woman's response included in the discussion of men crying at all? not surprising, but disappointing!
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