Cha-ching.

Both sets of glands synchronize their sensual secretions in real time. Hearts begin to beat in resonance, drowning out the sounds of the surrounding party. Hungry eyes stare at each other across spaces charged with desire and long, far-from-awkward silences. Breathing accelerates, heat rises. Nipples begin to harden along with penises and penises start to… wow, you get the picture. Hot.

And now, as the butterflies rise in our stomach and we see the desire reflected again and again in the eyes of the one before us. While you’re probably not hearing wedding bells, the sound of pants unzipping might not be too far off....like maybe we should just get our coats right now. Your place or mine?

Picking up has all sorts of connotations for different people. Let’s face it: chasing ladies can be a discouraging business and searching for that special someone often feels like an exercise in futility.

There are countless pick-up wizards, love coaches, and master manipulators all offering their own take on the subject. But in the end, what you are going to get may be more about what you are willing to give rather than how you go about trying to get it.

If you don’t know about your “gift” (read: your sexuality), then all those sweet pick-up lines may end up sounding cheesy or even embarrassing. Even worse, you can end up giving all of your energy away and having none for yourself. This is like taking that ancient Aristotelian adage "know thyself" and adding "know what turns you on".

It’s funny, when Paul asked me to write on the topic of pick-up strategies, my first reaction was slightly disdainful. “That’s pretty shallow,” I protested. “No way!” he said, “You can interpret it however you please.” I thought a fair deal more about the subject and began to remember back to a course I took in university called "Sexual Ethics." It was to be among the most revelatory classes of my university career.

I began noticing tendencies within myself I had never noticed, for example this more or less compulsory need I felt to classify another person as male or female within the first three seconds of seeing them. I had the vague sense of unsettledness, bordering on distaste, when the other's gender was too ambiguous. Beginning to realize the nature of this sort of oppression, I immediately set out to uproot and deconstruct these attitudes. My experience of women (and men too, for that matter) has changed considerably since that time. A bit more on that later.

Every day, men or women meet each other for the first time and proceed to have affairs, one-night stands, meaningful relationships or nothing at all. In short, they have what they have.

This dynamic is not just a function of hormones and biology. Society plays a hefty role influencing our behaviours and desires -- there is nothing in our genetic code that predisposes boys in blue and girls in pink. In such a mass-media saturated environment, my mainstream mind is more than ready to jump into MTV's Spring Break at Fort Lauderdale.

I am not saying that those representations of sexuality are inherently wrong, but I feel they are boring in the long term, predictable, and often extremely false. They present a version of reality that rests on guy/girl (heteronormative) assumptions of gender and desire. Guy wants girl. Guy shows girl he's the man. Guy gets girl. Both enact gender scripts, without even realizing it: the man is logical and the woman is emotional; men like dogs and women like cats; girls like romantic movies while the guys read the paper and pretend not to care about feelings. Okay, so just tell me then: where's the liberation in all that?

Well, don't hate the player, hate the game. For real. I guess I do hate a game that values competition over co-operation, not to mention one that considers power in all its forms to be far more desirable and ultimately sexier than vulnerability. The mainstream is rife with patriarchy and other life forms and relational structures that are not doing wonders for the planet or peoples' emotional bodies -- unless you happen to be on top.

Making my life precious is about recognizing it in all its vulnerability and really taking the time to feel myself and the other. This is not always easy given the sort of world we live it, but I think it's ultimately more rewarding. Not playing the power card, I prefer to flip power structures and truly connect with someone.  The cha-ching from the beginning can be erased and replaced with a much deeper resonating hum.

So, lets permit our bodies to slowly steep in their hormones, endorphins, and other sacred juices till we're well saturated and nowhere near fakin' it....mmMM-hhmmHm... that is far sexier than pretending I am the boss of your piece.

*****

kgrrro a.k.a kristian gareau is a nomad, secretologist and thoughtster who likes softness and those moments of stillness before the storm. You can reach him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it