The hardest thing about being a guy is that no one tells you how to do it. It's like being a parent, student or best friend; you just have to figure it out for yourself.

Women's lives are filled with ceremony. First come bra shopping with mom, sweet sixteens, learning how to put on a tampon. Then it's bridal showers, pregnancy, mah-jong groups and menopause. Guys have fewer rites of passage. You're expected to learn the rules along the way, like in poker. No one is there to hold your hand through your first wet dream (thank god) or to commiserate about your colonoscopy.

Sometimes, as a guy, you're made to feel as though you owe someone an apology. Like in that pick-up soccer game, when the designated captain selected you before your girlfriend, even though she was the star sweeper in high school while you played keys in the band. Or the other night, when you passed that woman walking home alone. You smiled at her, in a friendly way, to let her know you weren't a creeper. But instead of smiling back, she looked down, tightened her fingers around her keys, and quickly crossed the street.

You're told to be brave, strong, stoic. But you're also reminded of the wars and atrocities of mankind, of the horrific violence that has characterized history. Forty years ago Captain Kirk boasted about boldly going where no man had gone before. Now that we've (thankfully) abandoned that sexist language, it's hard to talk about being a man at all. There's no "men's studies" departments, no glorious history of "Masculinism" to look to for strength.  While your female friends found guidance in Seventeen, you were given comic books and told that—screw it—boys will be boys. But nobody bothered to tell you what that meant.

So what's the secret? What does it mean to be a man? I think my Yiddish-speaking grandmother might be on the right track. She tells me the most important thing to be in life is a "Mensch", which is typically translated as "gentleman," but literally means "person."  In other words, being male isn't about being rich or successful or even manly -- whatever that means. It's about being human. It's about exploring the full range of emotions and fears and impulses with which us humans are both burdened and blessed.

So there you have it! The answer was in front of our eyes. The secret to being a man is being a good, decent, well-rounded human being.

Now we just have to figure out what it means to be human.

*****

Dan Levy is a journalist and group facilitator living in Montreal

(photo by John C. Abell via flickr)